Fear: Social Situations

Have you ever thought you were over something only to realize that you only got better on the surface? Yeah that’s totally what happened to me. Personally I have never really been good at socializing. In elementary I thought it was because I was shy. In junior high I assumed it was because I didn’t fit in and was a bit bitter about past social situations gone wrong (Yes I felt that bitter that young). In high school I surmised it was because I was useless, unimportant, and an introvert. By my mid-twenties I gathered that it must be because I had identity issues, was an avid people pleaser, and had a terribly low opinion of myself. However, in the past few months I’ve realized it was a combination of all those things along with an issue I’ve never really tried to deal with: social anxiety.

Now I know it’s hard to believe that with social anxiety wouldn’t try to get better but when you have panic disorder and don’t seek proper treatment you think that’s where most if not all your fears are coming from. At least that’s what happened to me anyway. Plus, being told “You’re just shy, you’ll grow out of it,” as if shy is a problem that needs to be fixed, didn’t help either. But being shy doesn’t cause you to have mini panic attack while trying to send a text. Being shy doesn’t distract you all day and keep you up all night because you didn’t get a reply from someone you reached out to. Being shy doesn’t make you not call someone for weeks because you think their mad at you for not calling them sooner in the first place. Being shy doesn’t make you want to avoid people all together so you don’t have to deal with social situations in the first place.

That my friends is not shy but a full blown problem that needs to be dealt with. Sadly, the weight of this didn’t really hit me until this morning. Seriously, but more on that later. Now I have been thinking about my lack of social skills beyond the surface for the past month but this past week I’ve really been looking into it. I started with the whole introvert thing. I thought maybe because most people (at least the ones I’m around) are more extroverted than introverted or seem to have an equal amount of both, that I just wasn’t conveying myself properly. So I started looking up how to do that. The best thing I found was http://introvertspring.com Finally, someone who understands! It’s a really fascinating and helpful website. If you’re more introverted than extroverted, you should really check it out.

But back to this morning. This morning I saw a message from a friend of mine on Facebook messenger. Why I wasn’t I notified yesterday when she sent it? I have no clue but that’s beside the point. It was a quick message just checking on me and letting me know that I was loved. Of course I wanted to send a reply right away because I haven’t talked to her in a few months (I think, at least one for sure) but I couldn’t. I completely froze. My mind was a mess. I was losing it a little. Then I remembered the awesome pin I saw on Pinterest about how to calm down while having a panic attack. I messed up the directions some but it still worked.

After I calmed down, so many things clicked. It was like when you finally made some decent headway on a jigsaw puzzle. So now that I have officially defined the problem, I need to develop a plan right? Well… not really. It turns out, over the years I picked up a lot of helpful ways to cope AND improve. I’ve just never really been that proactive with them. But now that I have a new perspective I’m going to actively pursue normalcy like I did when I had panic disorder really bad instead of avoiding it. \0/

That’s really important because this isn’t the only issue I’ve been avoiding. Apparently I avoid a lot of things or just deal with the surface. I push down every unpleasant thing I feel to try and move past it. The problem is if I don’t know why I’m feeling the way I feel I can’t move past it and nothing will ever change. With social anxiety specifically, I find myself remembering and cringing about things that have happened days, months, and even years ago. Recently I’ve been wonder why though. I thought to myself that it can’t be because they’re embarrassing, I’ve done far more embarrassing things. It can’t be guilt or shame because I’ve done worse things. I can’t be anger because things have ticked me off more. It can’t be sadness because I’ve been hurt worse. But then I realized it could be anyone of those things. Unlike the situations I compared them to, I didn’t deal with the ones I still cringe over. I buried them.

When I realized this, I decided to face my issues head on. Not try, do. Yoda was really onto something with that whole “Do or do not, there is not try.” We can’t sit in the middle. It’s horribly uncomfortable and at times quite painful, however it’s necessary.  No one said learning to live a life unafraid was easy. Obviously if it was we’d all be so much bolder and happier. But it’s a life I want so onward I go.

 By way the technique I saw on Pinterest is called grounding. It can help when feel like you have lost all control of your surroundings. You look around and find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.  If you can remember to do it, it works. I would suggest that if you’ve read this and you have social anxiety or social phobia as it’s called sometimes, that you gauge where you’re at. You might need to talk to a professional about this. Don’t be afraid to get the help you need. You don’t have to live life like this. None of us have to live like this and none of us should. Jesus did not die for us to live in bondage. “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1 ESV

Make a choice, take a stand,

Be joyous and thrive