She's Almost a Doctor Yall

Hello good people. I am so proud of my friend who has worked very very hard to obtain her doctorate degree. She's at the final stretch and I wanted to share some information that will help her out.

She is running a survey about the religious preferences of Millennials (those born between 1980 and 1998) and their choice whether to attend a church/house of worship.

We would greatly appreciate your support in taking this survey. It should take about 10-15 minutes. Note - your info will not be shared – this is for academic purposes only – and you must be 18 years of age or older to participate.

The survey (IRBNet # 860219-2) link is https://gmuchss.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_b14HDwt3tK3ZDaR

FAQ: If I'm not a part of a church/house of worship, can I take your survey?
A: Yes, of course! Any Millennial (ages 18-37) is welcome to take it

If you have any questions, you can message her at athoma38@gmu.edu
Thanks in advance for your support!

Fear: Social Situations

Have you ever thought you were over something only to realize that you only got better on the surface? Yeah that’s totally what happened to me. Personally I have never really been good at socializing. In elementary I thought it was because I was shy. In junior high I assumed it was because I didn’t fit in and was a bit bitter about past social situations gone wrong (Yes I felt that bitter that young). In high school I surmised it was because I was useless, unimportant, and an introvert. By my mid-twenties I gathered that it must be because I had identity issues, was an avid people pleaser, and had a terribly low opinion of myself. However, in the past few months I’ve realized it was a combination of all those things along with an issue I’ve never really tried to deal with: social anxiety.

Now I know it’s hard to believe that with social anxiety wouldn’t try to get better but when you have panic disorder and don’t seek proper treatment you think that’s where most if not all your fears are coming from. At least that’s what happened to me anyway. Plus, being told “You’re just shy, you’ll grow out of it,” as if shy is a problem that needs to be fixed, didn’t help either. But being shy doesn’t cause you to have mini panic attack while trying to send a text. Being shy doesn’t distract you all day and keep you up all night because you didn’t get a reply from someone you reached out to. Being shy doesn’t make you not call someone for weeks because you think their mad at you for not calling them sooner in the first place. Being shy doesn’t make you want to avoid people all together so you don’t have to deal with social situations in the first place.

That my friends is not shy but a full blown problem that needs to be dealt with. Sadly, the weight of this didn’t really hit me until this morning. Seriously, but more on that later. Now I have been thinking about my lack of social skills beyond the surface for the past month but this past week I’ve really been looking into it. I started with the whole introvert thing. I thought maybe because most people (at least the ones I’m around) are more extroverted than introverted or seem to have an equal amount of both, that I just wasn’t conveying myself properly. So I started looking up how to do that. The best thing I found was http://introvertspring.com Finally, someone who understands! It’s a really fascinating and helpful website. If you’re more introverted than extroverted, you should really check it out.

But back to this morning. This morning I saw a message from a friend of mine on Facebook messenger. Why I wasn’t I notified yesterday when she sent it? I have no clue but that’s beside the point. It was a quick message just checking on me and letting me know that I was loved. Of course I wanted to send a reply right away because I haven’t talked to her in a few months (I think, at least one for sure) but I couldn’t. I completely froze. My mind was a mess. I was losing it a little. Then I remembered the awesome pin I saw on Pinterest about how to calm down while having a panic attack. I messed up the directions some but it still worked.

After I calmed down, so many things clicked. It was like when you finally made some decent headway on a jigsaw puzzle. So now that I have officially defined the problem, I need to develop a plan right? Well… not really. It turns out, over the years I picked up a lot of helpful ways to cope AND improve. I’ve just never really been that proactive with them. But now that I have a new perspective I’m going to actively pursue normalcy like I did when I had panic disorder really bad instead of avoiding it. \0/

That’s really important because this isn’t the only issue I’ve been avoiding. Apparently I avoid a lot of things or just deal with the surface. I push down every unpleasant thing I feel to try and move past it. The problem is if I don’t know why I’m feeling the way I feel I can’t move past it and nothing will ever change. With social anxiety specifically, I find myself remembering and cringing about things that have happened days, months, and even years ago. Recently I’ve been wonder why though. I thought to myself that it can’t be because they’re embarrassing, I’ve done far more embarrassing things. It can’t be guilt or shame because I’ve done worse things. I can’t be anger because things have ticked me off more. It can’t be sadness because I’ve been hurt worse. But then I realized it could be anyone of those things. Unlike the situations I compared them to, I didn’t deal with the ones I still cringe over. I buried them.

When I realized this, I decided to face my issues head on. Not try, do. Yoda was really onto something with that whole “Do or do not, there is not try.” We can’t sit in the middle. It’s horribly uncomfortable and at times quite painful, however it’s necessary.  No one said learning to live a life unafraid was easy. Obviously if it was we’d all be so much bolder and happier. But it’s a life I want so onward I go.

 By way the technique I saw on Pinterest is called grounding. It can help when feel like you have lost all control of your surroundings. You look around and find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.  If you can remember to do it, it works. I would suggest that if you’ve read this and you have social anxiety or social phobia as it’s called sometimes, that you gauge where you’re at. You might need to talk to a professional about this. Don’t be afraid to get the help you need. You don’t have to live life like this. None of us have to live like this and none of us should. Jesus did not die for us to live in bondage. “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1 ESV

Make a choice, take a stand,

Be joyous and thrive

Fear: Bugs

Day 23 (I don’t know how that happened either) started off pretty good. Mom and I went shopping for Father’s Day stuff for my Dad. We shopped, we ate, and we shopped some more. Then we came home and some flying thing was in my room on the ceiling. No I don’t know what it was but it was flew, was between 1in and 2in long, and didn’t make any noise. At first I was calm. I thought to myself “It’s on the ceiling. I can kill it with a fly swatter so I don’t have to get that close to it.” But we don’t have one anymore. I went back to my room determined to kill it with my shoe. It had other plans though and had flown to the other side of the room. I became a little panicked but I just said to myself, “It’s ok, even though I hate using it, I’ll just get the flying bug spray and kill it that way.” Guess what? Yep, I was wrong again. It left the wall I saw it on and disappeared because remember: It makes no noise.

So now the panic had fully set in. I know most people don’t like bugs but I’m terrified of them. I have gotten better over the years though. At least now I try to kill them, before I just ran. Waking up with roaches all over will do that to a person. Especially when the rest of that same summer everything from flies to bees tried to crawl in your ears. So yes I lost it a bit. Mom came and helped me burn peppermint oil and gave me some fresh basil from her garden to hang in my room (apparently bugs hate both). After standing there a bit Mom says she doesn’t see anything so it must be gone. ….yeah that logic doesn’t sit well with me. I was so shaken by the idea of this thing being somewhere in my room, I couldn’t even pray properly. It came out as a jumbling mess.

I decided standing there constantly scanning my room for the bug all panicked was a bad idea. I went into my parents' room to look over some info my Mom wanted me to check out and to sit down. The long day out really wore on me. I had planned to take a nap but then the bug happened. I looked at her stuff then just kind of sat there. The she told me I was being ridiculous and I should go back in my room or just take a nap in theirs. Fun fact: Telling someone that they are being ridiculous or shouldn’t be afraid does not help the person who’s afraid. Especially when we’ve already admitted we shouldn’t be afraid. I mean I know it is a bit silly to be afraid of something smaller, weaker than and not as smart as I am. However that doesn’t stop me from being afraid. Clearly I was still very afraid. I mean if logic could dispel fear most of us would be far braver and more productive than we actually are.

Focusing on something else helped calm me down a bit. So I decided to take a nap in my parents’ room. While lying there I realized that while over the years I did make more efforts to not be so afraid, I never dealt with the traumas that caused the fear in the first place. So for the first time ever, I prayed and asked God to help me to not be afraid. I know I know, you’re probably like how could you have not prayed that before? Well normally when I’m in a scary bug situation I ask God for help and the strength to get through the ordeal. I don’t think it ever crossed my mind to ask God to fix the root of the problem. This time I did.

But then as I laid there I didn’t feel right. I mean I just asked God to help me not be afraid while staying in a different room. So what did I do? I went to my room of course. I was still scared but I can’t ask for change and not change my behavior. That’s just insane. No seriously, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results,” supposedly said by Albert Einstein. Regardless of who said it, it’s true. We can’t constantly ask God to help us change and not step out on faith by taking action.

When I got in my bed I was still a bit freaked so I started repeating positive, scripture based things to myself. Then after a mental face palm, I pulled out my phone to look up actual scriptures to read and recite. At first I typed in “scriptures on faith” since people always say fear is the opposite of faith. That didn’t work that well for me so I typed in “scriptures for when I am afraid.” Those were the scriptures I needed. Biblestudytools.com and Google had come through for me again.

Have I even mentioned my love and appreciation for the Google search engine? I’m very grateful to God for its creation. Seriously you can speak whole verses into the mic part to find their location to look up in a paper Bible or share with another person. Plus it totally saved me on Day 9 when I slammed my thumb in the car door. After I tried a home remedy, I literally said, “I slammed my thumb in the car door,” and several helpful sites showed up with proper treatments (side note: Epson salt in hot water DOES NOT help the way ever person who saw my thumb that day suggested it would).

Anyway, I fell asleep while reciting scripture and had a pleasant, restful nap. So what was the point of this post? The point was to share the experience and thank God for showing me a better way as well as helping me to take a step closer to a fearless lifestyle. He’s been doing these kind of things in my life for a while now. However now that my mind isn’t so clouded with restlessness, busyness, and poor decisions I can see it better. Now this was just one thing. I say one thing because if I had an autobiography it would be titled Fear: The Former Story of My Life because most of my life has been defined by fear. It is with nervousness and excitement that I look forward to a life unafraid. A life I could never have on my own.

So expect more fear posts and other new things,

Be joyous and thrive

Day 1

So let’s start at the beginning. March 20, 2016 started like any other Sunday morning, I was tired but knew I need to keep moving to go to church then work later. I got up, got dressed, and headed out to the first church of the day. Normally I only go to one service per Sunday but on this particular Sunday, two people asked me to come support them as they gave the Word. Since I had time for both I went to both. Afterwards I went to work for my usual Sunday night shift. But my Sunday night ended anything but usual.

I work as a waitress on the weekends and as I was making drinks for my customers, my head suddenly started hurting. It was a sharp yet throbbing diagonal pain that gave me the same sensation like when your ears are ringing for a long time and it seems like everything around you has stopped. As the pain eased up I realized people were calling my name because I was blocking the drink station. However when I tried to move out the way my legs gave out. I didn’t pass out and I wasn’t woozy. I felt like my brain sent signals to a wall. Thankfully my coworkers caught me before I hit the floor.

I sat in a chair for who knows how long trying to get my bearings. Everything I did was a struggle and I could only do one thing at a time. It was talking or drinking water. When I tried to do both I almost dropped the cup. Even then, it took all my strength and concentration to drink some water. Eventually a friend brought me my cellphone and I called my aunt to pick me up. When she arrived a guy from the kitchen helped me walk to her car because I couldn’t stand on my own.  I choose to go home with her because my parents were out of town celebrating their 42^nd wedding anniversary and I didn’t want to be by myself. We sat, talked, watched tv, and I actually started feeling better.

It didn’t last long though. After my parents picked me up and I started moving around again, the head pain came back and the little mobility I gained while resting left me again. So we grabbed what we needed and headed to the emergency room. It was a long night with a whole lot of tests. The upside was that the overnight staff was really nice, professional, and pleasant. At the end of it all the hospital ruled out stroke, heart issues, and anything else that might have killed me within the next few hours. They still didn’t know exactly what was wrong but gave me a pair of crutches to help get around and some pain medication. Truth be told after I found out to wasn’t a stoke I calmed down about it. I knew that God would take care of me because He always has.

Of course I still followed up with my doctor (WHO I LOVE) shortly after. She suspected it was due to migraines because of my history with them. However she wanted to play it safe and get a real conformation. She sent me to a neurologist. After a bit of waiting and a mix up or two, I finally got to see the doctor she recommended.

The verdict of my condition shocked me but not really. He said I had a stress reaction. A STRESS REACTION! He then said I had to stop everything for now. His exact words were, “No school, no work, whatever it is you're doing, stop.” I was elated that I wasn’t having brain tremors again or something like it but the main thing I felt when I found out was anger. I was so anger at myself. I couldn’t understand how I could let this happen.

After some crying and repentance for a lot of things, I realized that this wasn’t a bad thing. This whole thing made me see that I don’t know how to rest, let alone rest in God. Before, rest was something I did to get better so I could go back to what I was doing or do more stuff. Not to get actual rest. I decided to heed the wakeup call and be grateful that God chose such a gentle way to get my attention. So there I was having severe migraines, couldn’t walk on my own, and had about 25% mobility for my arms grinning like a fool because my God loved me enough to grab my attention. Because no matter how serious this was, it could have been worse. It could have been a stroke, an aneurysm, or something way way worse. Besides having your health doesn’t mean a thing if you’re relying on yourself more than God and you’ve let your let relationship with Him fall on the backburner. At least it didn’t mean anything to me.

So this was the turning point. This was that moment I realized somewhere along the way I had forgotten that I didn’t just need God but I needed to be in right relationship with Him. So I stopped school, stopped work, resigned from all my positions in school organizations, started studying rest, replacing bad habits with good ones, and being more watchful of my thinking. Yeah….. I was reminded that I’m pretty messed up and it’s almost comical that I became so “busy” that I forgot that. Almost.

 Ironically out of all the things I’ve learned during this timeframe the ones that stand out are: doing because you love God (not because you don’t want to disappoint Him, some other thing you’ve made up in your mind, or for other people) and making sure you always keep focus on your relationship with God (be dependent on Him). I say ironic because two of my favorite scriptures are:

• Colossians 3:23  “And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men”  
• John 15: 1-5 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. ² Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. ³ Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. ⁴ Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. ⁵ I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

Told you.

Anyway about this Day 1. Day 1 was the first day after the neurologist and physical therapist (I had to go to help me walk again without assistance) gave me the clear to live life again like before. Well not exactly like before because that took me in a bad place. Rather to resume a routine of normalcy. At the start of Day 1 woke up from a weird dream about Dragon Ball Z. But after that Day One by Matthew West started playing in my head. (I seriously hope you clicked the song link or plan on clicking it later.) Then I went from there.

Day 1 consisted of

• Walking around a track (Yay exercise!)
• Listening and singing to praise music (Yeah I had stopped doing that just to be doing it.)
• Transformed two pairs of pants. One into skinny jeans and another into Bermuda shorts. (I haven’t sewn in years)  
• Read about Jacob and Laban in my Chronological NLT Bible (it’s something I’ve been reading since the hospital along with a few other books)
• Went through some more clothes (I’m revamping my wardrobe)
• Figured out how to use Tumblr and decided I’ll probably keep mine active
• Other random and/or life things 

So from now on yall will occasionally see posts that say Day insert number that will be I guess something akin to diary entries. In fact there is a good chance that the direction of this blog will change anyway. I’m in an odd but good place in my life. So some things need to be done differently.

Anyway that’s it for now,

Be Joyous and thrive

Level 29

\(*0*)/

That's right, I'm now 29.... Ok so I realize that was vague and there's no way you would have figured that out but I wanted to do it anyway.... Moving on.

On January 27th (yes I know the post is late) I turned 29 years old. How did feel? It was awesome! Yes I'm excited to at the doorstep of 30.

Here are a few reasons why:

• God saw fit to still keep me here
• God loves me and has never forsaken me
• I have an actual proper relationship with God instead of the 10 years of feeling unworthy to even mention His name. (seriously there was even a point where I thought killing myself would be helping God by getting rid of one less terrible, useless person)
• I'm alive!! (which 19 year old me would have thought was complete crazy with the health issues we had)
• I get to wear shirts that say "Level 29" - I should have took a picture but I now have a shirt that says" Nerds don't age, we level up" on the front and "Level 29" on the back.
• At the beginning of next year I'll turn 30 and at the end I'll graduate college with my bachelors degree. (something else 19 year old me would have scoffed at)
• etc, etc, etc

I know I know. Most people my age really dread it. If you're one of those people, my advice is stop taking to heart what society tells you that you should be doing or what you should have and all that jazz. Don't beat yourself up about past mistakes either. Life happens you know? Plus everyone's journey is different. So just trust God and go with it. Seriously, live life and be you. By the way, it's also secretly kind of fun for me when people are upset that I'm not upset with my life.

I'll give you an example:

talking
thinking

Society: Time to make her feel sorry about her life. So.. you're almost 30.

Me: Yep. 29 and proud yo!

Society: We'll see. But you aren't married

Me: I'm not married yet

Society: Still optimistic huh? Oh so you have a boyfriend?

Me: Haha no. (serious face) I'm just trying to focus on the things God would have me to do.

Society: Oh, but what about kids? I bet that stings
.
Me: I'll have them or adopt them or foster them eventually after I get married. I've got plenty
of time (says with a smile)

Society: But you're almost 30??.... (says dumbfounded)

Me: Yeah that's still plenty of time left on my clock plus Sarah.

Society: Did she seriously throw a bible reference at me? I can do better than this. But you're still in college and you work in a restaurant

Me: Yeah I started back when I was 26 but I'm actually on track. I even brought my 1.2  GPA to a 3.1. Plus as much as I want to have more money, school is what's most important right now. An end to the means ya know?

Society:  Why isn't she mad yet?! But you live at home! (smirks) She must feel pathetic now.

Me: (sigh) Again, and end to the means. Besides I'm actually working on both of those. I'm going to start my own business soon. It's about (insert rambling about the future business that is actually in planning)

Society: She's so annoying! She should be having a pity party by now! Wait. But aren't you worried that getting older affect you wearing costumes and wigs and watching cartoons and all that other geeky stuff you do? That has to get her.

Me: Well the general lack of acceptance of geekery can be frustrating at any age but you're never to old for that kind of stuff. I mean seriously Society, you say it's for kids but who makes it? Adults my age. I don't see it being a problem overall. Just have to learn to shake off the negativity and take it one day at a time.

Society: AAGHHH! YOU'RE SO INFURATING! (stomps away)

Me: Thanks!!

All jokes aside. Let's encourage one another no matter which level they're at.


Be joyous and thrive!

Wigtime: It's ok, seriously

You know, it's ok if you don't like my hair. Really, I won't be mad or anything. I like my wigs and I like you too, so don't make it awkward, ok? ‪#‎me‬ ‪#‎green‬‪#‎wigtime‬ ‪#‎loveyou‬

This was an Instagram post I made a few moths ago. I guess I finally wore a wig that people really didn't like and boy was it awkward. I went about my day business as usual which includes me complimenting people when I see something I like. Apparently the neonness of my hair made many forget that I don't give compliments to get them in return. I just feel like as people (especially women towards other women #girllove) should be more willing to genuinely compliment one another. 

At the same time it's alright to not like someone's fashion choices, just be kind about it. Take a chance to be willing to accept people for who they are AND don't compromise how you feel. I'd rather you loving tell me you don't like one of my wigs than lie and say you like it. As a fellow art student told me "It doesn't look like your hair the way the blue one does,"  and I agree.  

Now this particular wig, I like it but it is too costumey for everyday wear. In fact I don't even like how it looks without a hat on. Nevertheless I did have fun with it. I'll probably put it in my costume box. Yes, I have a whole big box now.  \(*-*)

Playing Catch Up

It's a new year and my Art blog is way behind. I originally created it to track my growth as an art major in college but it really hasn't gone that way. I'm several semesters behind and that was a pretty narrow goal in the first place. So now I'm going back and making those long overdo posts. Conversely I will be adding what we like to call Art Event Experiences. As part of our graduation requirements we have to attend 32 art events and fill out an art event form. Yeah... I've been to well past that number but barely turned in any forms. This year I'm going to correct that and take them a step further to adding the experiences to my blog. I'm going to turn it into my life and learning experiences as and artist. Ya know, be more well rounded. (I realize how terrible the grammer is in that sentence and I'm ok with it.) 

On a different note, for this blog I'm going to be more consistent with updates. I might even start using my YouTube channel for more than just fangirling over Superwoman, nerding out over Comics Explained, and getting my giggles from Ashley Thomas.