She picked up fairly quickly giving her usual warm greeting so of course instead of giving my own, I yelled happy birthday in reply. Did I mention it was her birthday? It was totally her birthday. We talked about new things and how she's excited about the Lord using her and how He will in the future. I'm excited as well and grateful for what God has done for her. I always feel so proud and so blessed that God would place in my life such a wonderfully encouraging, confident, and loving sister. She hasn't always been that way (You can see why I said that here) but you better believe God changes things. Of course He's changed me too but that's another post for another time.
After our talk, I got ready for work. I'm a server at a restaurant and frankly things just haven't been the same as when I started. Not in a good way either. But I was feeling encouraged. Lol you can't talk to my sister and not feel encouraged or at least that's how I feel. Anyway, so I was thinking about the issues and realized that I've probably been praying about the situation incorrectly. I felt new things and new words being impressed upon my heart so I prayed them. Of course since pray never stopped working things were different when I got ther. Even though we were still slow it was a good night. It was actually a peaceful night, something a bit rare for us lately. I didn't get many tables but they were all nice, enjoyed there time with us, enjoyed the food, and they tipped pretty well. That's like the ultimate win.
I ordered some food and took it go. Even though I was super hungry during my shift, I wanted to get home. I came in, turned off the outside lights, and spoke to my parents. When I spoke to my Dad he told me he had bad news. I though something had happened to my Aunt Nita again. She's been on hospice for a while now but this week was one of her rough weeks. They happened every so often then she's right back to her sassy lovable self. I was right, something did happen to her. She went home to the Lord.
It seems like I went through shock, denial, and acceptance all in under a minute then I burst into tears. I wanted to drop my food, lay on the floor and cry but I tried to pull it together because I was in front of Dad. I mean she was his sister. His flesh and blood sister so stupidly I felt like who am I to cry like that. He ended up taking the food out of my hand and holding on to me. I pulled it together enough to say I was ok, leave the room, and go eat my food.
I was not ok. I was not ok at all. I started eating and watching tv as if it didn't happen. I was trying to escape the fact that it happened. When Mom saw that I knew, she patted the seat next to her for me to sit but I told her I was fine too. Still wasn't but I've never been a let's cry together person. I like to be left alone. I always end up trying to "be strong" for people or putting on a "brave face" and hanging around. It felt so fake and I hated it. I haven't hated my behavior in a good while so I knew I needed to pray and ask God for help. Not the halfway kind where I try to figure it out in the middle but totally utter "God I have no idea what I'm doing or how to interact with other people on the matter."
So today I woke up with my to do list, wait....... I woke up and thanked God for many things then started on my to do list. One being to wash and condition my hair. While sitting under the dryer for the conditioner, I decided to read Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul. I had long forgotten about Chicken Soup books and definitely didn't know about a Christian based one. But there it was yesterday, siting in the Loved Again booth at the Flea market. I read two stories while under the dryer. TWO! Then turned into a grateful ball of feels. I felt better and of course since I felt better there are only two things to do: write or make art.
So here I am writing this post while hair air dries. Laughing at myself for always trying to think my way life, in the bad way. Instead of just thinking about the good things and leaning into God. You know good things:
- Like the fact that the last time I talked to my Aunt we had a great heart to heart.
- More importantly we talked about salvation and she was assured of her faith and where she was going once it was over.
- Or the fact that no one actually expects me to hold it together, just to let it out and move on.
- And definitely the fact that if she was here, how she would totally raz me about my behavior then somehow turn it into a conversation about how I need to hurry up and get married. (She had a knack for that)
- Of course how, The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit -Psalm 34:18 ESV
- And we know that all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose - Romans 8:28 KJV
